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starting over

Starting over fresh..find me at ninipancakes 

Feb. 25th, 2009

wow...ive been rather M.I.A....



So I'm starting my training...to be a personal trainer on October 1st. I'm very excited! :D

I've been working out so hard that this last weekend I had to rest 2 days because certain people were kind of worried about my health for some odd reason. :/

I'm not overdoing it, I just love doing it.

I went for about 2 hours today and I could have done another hour but just of full cardio. I have so much energy.

I've been having some panic attacks lately, I'm just trying to do things to help them. It would be nice to just feel better and not be bothered by anything at all. I thought I had that, apparently that's not the case anymore.
I'm tired of disturbing things being brought up into my head, i'm tired of the past that keeps popping up at times when I've made some good progress.

When I brought Tori to school today, in her line is a boy...I talk with his mother often...well when the girls were going in, I said okay looks like it's gym time. He looked up at me and said "I can tell you like the gym a lot"...um...I've never mentioned the gym around him.

So I'm starting to think about it, the only way he could know about it is from his mom. Then I start thinking...hmm...what is she saying about me? And why about the gym? Is she poking fun of me? Yea I know I go to the gym a lot, I work out a lot in general.

I'm pretty concerned with being a health nut, It's a whole lot better than the alternative!

If someone is poking fun of me for that, it seems kinda silly. I'm not going to jump to conclusions, but whatever.

I need to do something productive.


The ball has been dropped with me, people were supposed to give me important information and no one has the whole time I've been in this wretched place. I'm sick of being here first off. Second, I like the gym. That's the only redeeming thing about this place. The sooner I can leave the better. I've just had it. Things are so complicated and confusing...it's like there are so many productions being made about the littlest things. I have no assistance or help at all, it's just UGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Things in my personal life are good, I'm starting training to be a physical trainer on Oct. 1st, I've fixed my diet so I'm eating whole foods in small quantities instead of eating nothing or next to nothing.

UGH! I'm just so damn irritated by people and how you cannot rely on them, no one is there for you, I mean truly...no one really is. Just yourself. I'm the only one there for me helping myself out. People can't see through their own garbage to even assist someone who needs it. It's infuriating.

I'm tired of situations and things...I am ready for some assistance.
My birthday came and went. It was lonely and stuff. I didn't feel well. I haven't been feeling right for about a week and a half, some people are telling me that it's due to lack of food and too much exercise, so I started eating a little bit more.

I got some very nice presents on my birthday. Still hiding out a bit.

I worked out today, cleaned a lot, organized my outside storage closet (big accomplishment)...Right now I have been cleaning my bento supplies. Ava is coming over tomorrow for a playdate with Tori. Ava envy's Tori's bentos. So, I'll be making one for her as well. I also got them supplies to make ice cream sundaes. They can create their own. It will be fun for them.

I was planning on laying down and watching tv or movies the rest of the night, but I need to get some work done before tomorrow if we are having guests over. I'd like to mop everything this evening, get the bentos made, spot clean both bathrooms, vacuum hallway, vacuum Tori's room and maybe a load of laundry. Tori is cleaning up her room like crazy. They are doing the bulk trash this week. Basically they give you a place to dump random large trash and stuff you dont want at a central location for about a week. Then they come pick it up and you have more room. I love that everyone does that. It makes it very easy to get stuff out and not have to drive it all the way to the dump. I've got more to do, so I wont ramble on today, but hopefully I will feel better soon. I can mostly feel it in my head it makes my head foggy, confused and my body feels weak.

W has called me a couple times and left messages. I'm not ready to respond yet. Not after the way she treated me, not after her making me bawl my head off and not after I only ended up sleeping 4 hours that night because I was disturbed by it all. I honestly don't think she even knows just how rude she was and how much she hurt me. I didn't deserve that. At all. I have bad days too, I don't take it out on people abusively. Oh well. I'm not ready to deal with it yet. I've got enough going on in my world at the moment.

I'm tired. I orginally told Tori no to having Ava over this weekend because I have stuff to do and I wanted to rest, but they cornered me today and I felt bad, so I ended up saying yes. :P

Bah. Gotta go back to work now.

The last post being 27 years old.

It's about to be my birthday...this is my last 27 year old post. Let's hope the next year rocks harder!?

Oh yea baby.


My birthday Cuppycakes! Homemade!

Will post the recipes soon! Chocolate cuppycakes with vanilla frosting :)

what the heck?

Someone I care for, a family member, completely reemed me last night. I mean...OMG...she didn't stop until I was bawling, and even then she kept going. I didn't deserve the way she yelled at me. At all. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night because of how much it really bothered me. My intentions were pure. I was just trying to do the right thing by someone else. She surprised me. I am in shock.

Not exactly at all what I expected from her. Not what I needed right now.
So Although I'm not feeling well, I've decided that I'm not about to sit around and be lazy.
So, I slept in late. Oh well. I took 2 Advil PM last night because I was sore and I wanted to sleep a lot.
I slept in, was naturally awake at 9 am, but I closed my eyes again and forced myself to sleep. The doorbell ringing woke me up. It was 11 am. LOL I know right? Anyway they were kids asking to mow the lawn for me for payment. The lawn was mowed last weekend, and it hasn't grown much so I just said No thanks or whatever I say when I'm groggy and sick. I hope I didn't come off rude. Anyhow, I am sick of feeling under the weather, and I refuse to act sick. I'd rather just suck it up and be productive. So I've copied over my to do list from the last week, although I did a lot that isn't on here crossed off because I decided that it wouldn't write it down because it's done and over with, but I carried some crossed off things over from yesterday to make the list look smaller now. hehe.

I think I'm going to start downstairs and work my way upstairs. This stuff shouldn't take that long.
I'm going to have lunch first though. I can't be expected to work my behind off on no food. I'd like to get some cardio today since I cannot go to the gym, it being a weekend and all...So maybe I will do a little something after I finish my work.

-Shop Vac all of downstairs.
-Clean upstairs bathroom/mop.
-Mop all of downstairs hardwood flooring and linoleum.
-Vacuum Upstairs hallway.
-Take out trash and recycling.
-Bring in Recycling bin.
-Dust House.
-Clear off waterfall table.
-Secure Tori's Canopy.
-Secure Tori's Petnet.
-Work on organizing the upstairs storage closet better.
-Organize downstairs closet.
-Take in Dry Cleaning.
-Organize kitchen cupboards better.
-Organize old dining room/craft room.
-Organize family room.
-Manicures and Pedicures for Tori and I.

Things postponed:
-Help clean up Tori's room
-Vacuum Tori's room.
-Go shopping for Tori/Ava playdate tomorrow.
-Plan out playdate entirely.

Oh wonderful...

I'm sick too. :(

Happy birthday me.